Wouldn’t it be nice if the positivity guru could actually heal everyone with depression just by performing their normal routine. But for individuals with depression, it’s not so simple. Words could inspire someone with bipolar, speaking from experience, but once the manic state has passed the positivity slips away.
Let me set the scene to explain the how my mind works. Inspirational words do the job, they inspire me. Once in my brain my imagination runs wild. As time passes so does the enthusiasm. Within a blink of an eye, focus is lost and inspiration is gone.
But the positivity is not the problem, the performance by the guru is not the problem. I am. My brain. My lack of the correct synapses firing at the correct time and a lack of serotonin flowing from the dark corridors of my brain. At some point, you look internally for the problems. I can be angry at these “change your life” coaches but actually for most people, they help.
If only the circuits in the brain could be wired correctly. The negatives to the positives, the sad to the happy. The rage to the calm. The obsession to the mindfulness. As an electrician wires a house, a surgeon could wire the brain. But that’s what antidepressants and mood stabilisers are for. They help the brain to work in a manner that is within the normal parameters.
So I recognise the positives in my life, but holding on to that sensation is the problem. And obsessing over the negative doesn’t help. Imagine being on a race circuit. You are in the lead for 1 lap, but behind for 9. You win the race and feel amazing, until the thoughts of being behind for most of the race slip in. Over analysis and negative thoughts take over the positivity.
If I could bottle the feeling of being positive and take it once a day, I would. But until that remedy exists, I just try not to obsess over the fact I can’t always react to positivity the way others do. I recognise the problem is mine and that others suffer in the same way, but it can still make you feel alone and “special”, but not in a good way.
Today my circuits maybe broken, but sometimes it’s only a loose wire that connects periodically, making me feel positively normal.