A journey of discovery sounds amazing. You hear about people travelling the world before settling down. They always say “I didn’t know who I was until I visited…”.
Who am I? I honestly have no idea. It often feels I am looking out from these eyes that aren’t mine. Living in a body that is alien to me. Thinking thoughts like I’m watching them on TV.
You often see shows with characters who are “on a dark path”. But what if you were always on a dark path. Your thoughts, feelings, imagination and actions automatically cause you to feel depressed.
Self medication is very appealing so you quit the temptation completely. The dark path doesn’t suddenly have lamps. You don’t feel you have achieved something even after 14 years.
You don’t feel part of life, more an outsider. Someone who views humans in their natural habitat but never completely assimilated.
You learn how you are meant to act and standard responses. Not because you don’t feel empathy but because you don’t understand. Like a puppy who has not been socialised who doesn’t know how the react around dogs.
You feel broken. Even with a supportive loving family. The world human world isn’t designed for people with mental health problems like OCD, Autism and Aspergers or depression and anxiety.
Work places are told to help people with mental health disorders, but how can they help when you are on your dark path with no signs to lead the way.
How can you say to a business, “I’m ok as long as I don’t need to speak to people or interact in anyway at the moment”.
How do you say, “I like my job, but nothing this business does makes sense to me”. It’s not a criticism, only a fact. But that would be taken a completely different way.
If I could paint, sculpt or be creative all day without needing to adjust to the human world around me, I predict my dark path would be a lot brighter.
The world is not made for people like me. It’s made for the normality, not the so called dysfunctional.
Well, back to reality. Face on, fake confidence ready, false smile. “Yes” and ” I understand ” response prepared. Ready to be completely shattered by the end of the day.